Plus, Alex Carey is a secret agent, and Bazball is a doomsday cult
Alan Gardner14-Jul-2023It was the bucket hats that should have warned us. England’s players rocked up for the start of the summer looking like they had just returned from a music festival, complete with the wide-eyed intensity that comes from having spent all night sitting in a muddy field discussing the healing power of, say, crystals or Test match scoring rates of 4.50 RPO and above.Bazball is many things – including golf and living your best life – but there’s always been a hint of rock’n’roll around its iconoclastic approach. While John Lennon famously declared the Beatles bigger than Jesus, Ben Stokes’ England are coming in more like the Stone Roses shortly after the release of their eponymous debut album. “I am the resurrection,” sang Ian Brown, to which England have simply tagged on “of Test cricket” and continued shuffling around and bopping their heads to the tunes on Brendon McCullum’s boom box.Brown, of course, was most recently in the news for spouting conspiracy theories around the Covid vaccine, which tells you a bit about the dangers for those of a messianic persuasion. And after a psychedelic couple of weeks for the Ashes, some might be beginning to worry about how much of a headache the inevitable post-Baz comedown is going to be for English cricket.Related
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The near-diplomatic incident at Lord’s over Jonny Bairstow’s stumping was another moment for those charting the journey from inspirational sportsters sportsing their hearts out to doomsday cult ready to barricade themselves in for the final firefight. As Stokes and McCullum spoke to their post-match interlocutors with glassy-eyed zeal about the spirit of cricket, the logical thought was: what level of proof is this spirit and did somebody mix it into the dressing-room Kool Aid?Meanwhile, down in the Long Room, some MCC members had started behaving like they’d just got back from whatever the shoes-and-slacks equivalent of a rave is, attempting to twist the melon of any passing Australian – thereby adding to the increasing number of legitimate reasons people have for wanting to knock the old ground down and replace it with a community outreach project.Alex Carey’s role in all this should not be underestimated. Carey is like one of those CIA agents sent undercover in the 1970s to infiltrate the counterculture movement, sowing confusion and discord at every turn (including, allegedly, on trips to the barbers). Perhaps Australia’s wicketkeeper succeeded in flipping his opposite number, with Bairstow wandering blindly out of his crease as a message to the authorities that he is ready to come in. Some might argue that pretty much his entire output during the series has been a cry for help.Either way, what goes up must come down – as anyone who has accidently set fire to their tent at Glastonbury and spent the rest of the night with their head between their ankles knows. And if the Bazball Ashes reduces the English game to rubble in the process, at least it would mean not having to watch the Hundred. Now that’s a suicide pact the Light Roller could sign up to!
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Meanwhile, more signs that woke nonsense has infiltrated Australia’s cricket culture. After defeat to England in the second T20I, at The Oval last week, Australia captain Alyssa Healy shockingly revealed: “We’re allowed to lose games of cricket.” As if that wasn’t enough baggy-green blasphemy for one evening, she added: “It’s the game of cricket. You win some, you lose some.” Rumours that none of the England players were invited to prepare for “broken f***ing arms”, and that some of Healy’s team-mates don’t even drink beer, are yet to be confirmed – but a CA-commissioned review can’t be far away.
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July 5: Bangladesh lose first ODI against Afghanistan by 17 runs (DLS method).July 6: Tamim Iqbal makes tearful retirement announcement. “This is the end for me. I have given my best. I have tried my best. I am retiring from international cricket from this moment.”July 7: Tamim reverses decision after meeting with Bangladesh’s prime minister, Sheikh Hasina. “The honourable prime minister invited me to her residence this afternoon. We had a long discussion after which she instructed me to return to cricket. I am withdrawing my retirement.”July 8: Bangladesh, led by Litton Das, lose second ODI by 142 runs. Which is certainly an elaborate way to ensure that Afghanistan’s first bilateral ODI series win over Bangladesh doesn’t go against your captaincy record, but fair play to Tamim. That, people, is what they call 4D chess.